My hand turned me down
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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