Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
