The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
