He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
