Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
