i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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