I will die if light touches me.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
