all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
