i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
