Where is the hickey?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
