Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
