I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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