I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
