I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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