ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
