I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
