ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
