Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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