i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?