i think my tv is drunk
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
