I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
