Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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