I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
