I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
