Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
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And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
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I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need to calm my uterus...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize