You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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