Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
