It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
