apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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