you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
