you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
