so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
