Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
