I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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