Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
