What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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