Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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