Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
