I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
