Your face is a jimmy john
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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