How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
