In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
