capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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