Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
