Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
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I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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