My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
