its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
