I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She bit a glass in half.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
