I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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