i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
