Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
