I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
be right there i have to get my cape
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
