Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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