I'm eating all of the evidence.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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