Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
