i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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