I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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