Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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