I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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